Every year in the State of Oklahoma, but mostly in the OKC Metro, we have large grass fires. As I write this, there burns one a mere 2 miles away. We've been in a drought for weeks, and today's high winds (50+ mph in places) carry the smallest spark to spread the fires over hundreds of acres in just a quarter-hour. You can see these fires spread uphill against the wind because it's so very dry, and any trees standing nearly explode in flames.
In the human soul, a simple spark can start a glow that blossoms into large ideas. What genius I can be alleged to possess seldom manifests without the provoking questions of other, sharper minds. A recent question regards yet another flame, that of the soul: romantic love. This is something I've given a great deal of attention over the years, especially trying to find a biblical concept for it. Over the next couple of days, I'll be attempting to formulate my current thoughts.
The starting point is Christ, of course. Without Him on the throne of your life, little of what follows will make any sense, and may be of little use. Naturally, there's a certain amount of this granted by God's grace to even the Lost. Still, without that core motive of serving and glorifying Jehovah, there would be little power to act upon even those things within the grasp of non-Christian minds.
Building from there, we note there is no Believer exempt from service. Those who are called have a calling in the Lord. It often has nothing to do with vocation or profession in the secular sense. We are all called to lift up His name in all we do. Inevitably, that which fires us, motivates us, in that service will become a characteristic of our daily living. Consider all the studies on Motivational Gifts and you'll understand what I mean. If nothing about serving the Lord just grabs you and holds you, don't expect a fulfilling life on any level until that happens. Without the grip of God's love on your heart, you can't possibly expect to love anyone else. Love and service are nearly synonymous.
You cannot long serve from a mere sense of duty. It will not carry you through the inexplicable wounds of sin in a fallen world. Just so, you cannot carry on a romance from a sense of propriety alone. Human nature this side of Eternity is shot through will failure, and you must possess a great store of forgiveness in your being, both for yourself and your beloved. Failure is inescapable. It requires a depth of passion from God and for God to forgive. If your service to God is not driven from some place beyond reason, you have no grounds for romance, for romance is service.
We sat in my college dorm room. Joe said, "Am I so ugly? The girls here keep turning me down for dates. I always offer to take them to the nicest places and spend lots of money."
Joe, have you ever heard of "deodorant"?
"Nah," he said scornfully. "That's perfume; girls wear that stuff. A man should smell like a man!"
Fine, Joe, but don't call it racism against Chinese men if you keep hearing, "I'm sorry, Joe; I have plans that night."
Joe was from Taiwan. Different cultures have different standards, and there's no end of sneering jokes from both sides regarding minor issues. Joe was a much more patient man than most of the testosterone-laden guys from America, far less likely to explode and get violent. He was soft-spoken, and often exhibited a superior trust in God for things that didn't go his way.
A decade later, Joe was manager of a bank. He had three beautiful girls by his foxy, blonde-headed wife. His English was a lot better, and no one in the bank failed to call him "Sir" and "Mister" -- except me. The day I saw him at the bank, the cologne he wore was so expensive I didn't recognize the brand name he told me. In that, at least, he had given in and adapted to the Western standard of manhood. Were I to visit the part of Taiwan Joe called home, I'd probably have to leave my deodorant home if I wanted the men to treat me as an equal. Like Joe, I'd have to sacrifice something of myself for the sake of the objective.
Only the shallowest of fools complain if someone is a little different. The world is full of odd people, and we as Christians know it requires giving a little here and there. You never know when you will end up being the odd one. I suppose we'd draw the line with a fellow who felt using a toilet instead of filling his drawers was for sissies. He demands too little of himself, and too much of us. There has to be some give and take, some approximation of balance between the giver and taker, or society falls apart. We rightly regard such men as anti-social. He should be free to do that to himself, but not to us. Keeping him out of public places is reasonable, while assaulting or forcing him to clean up is not. He is free to wander outside human society, for his choice amounts to self-exile. He's not willing to balance his wishes with anybody else's. We can debate where the balance should be, but as adults no one should be allowed to decide for us where that balance point is. We each find our own, but no one else is required to accept our limits. Romance is in part a matter of extensive agreements over those limits, over that balance point.
The challenge for men is realizing we are not exactly animals, but there is a great deal of overlapping sexual behavior, in a broad general sense. Grabbing the nearest female body and proceeding to mate is not exactly acceptable among humans. Rather, there must be a wooing and winning of the privilege. Women are the nest-builders, even when children aren't possible. They need someone capable and willing to commit to the common welfare. Men must continue to earn their keep, bring home the bacon, and so forth.
Yet we as Christians must rise above this petty nonsense. Romance is more than a biological urge expressed through social ritual, more than an exchange of things of value. Romance is the making of a covenant, an exchange of selves. In all covenants, there is one Guarantor: Jehovah Himself. It's not for nothing the Jews regarded marriage and Temple worship as metaphors for each other:
This is the proper view of romance in Christ. That it bears some vague resemblance to what takes place in the animal kingdom is incidental. We are the Elect, and we dare not lower our standards to what the world waves around as the current fashion. Romantic relationships are serious business, and the consequences of our actions in pursuit of it are rightly viewed as eternal. That He grants us this rich gift should call for our greatest care. For this we should be willing to sacrifice.
We are born into sin. For this, Christ came into the world, that He might redeem us from that sin. Without the shedding of His blood, the barrier of alienation from God cannot be crossed. The communion with Him, for which man was created, would be impossible otherwise. Yet, for so long as we remain this side of Eternity, there will always be a barrier of sorts; the redemption remains partially potential. Our spirits are reborn, but our flesh remains fallen. The human soul remains torn between. We bear this mortal cloak much as a ball-and-chain. We long for the redemption of Creation, when we shall again be one with Him in full. That longing burns brightly.
All Creation participates in this longing for something better. As part of the as-yet incomplete redemption, all we humans born into this world are also alienated from each other. Only in the Spirit can we truly commune, with no barriers between. However, the Flesh is at war with this spiritual existence, and prevents the full union of souls. We approach it somewhat in Christian fellowship, yet we know it could always be better. We are alone, and simply cannot shake that solitariness completely. You cannot read my mind, nor I yours, regardless the effort and time we might put into it. We long for that wall of separation to be completely removed.
In the field of psychology, that wall around each of us is called the ego boundary. We come by it very harshly. A child newly born has no awareness of self. When the child is hungry, the whole universe is hungry. For so long as its appetites are met on demand, this condition remains. When the parents begin to tire of this, the child begins to realize the universe does not feel what it feels. Mom and Dad aren't extensions of the child's will. This is a painful realization, slow to dawn upon the infant mind. Thus, language becomes a necessity, all complicated by the ever-growing complications of life as the body develops.
For a time, then, the child views its parents as gods. As the ego boundary becomes more solid, there comes a point in normal human development when the child suddenly realizes they are not gods. This usually comes around age five or six. They still idolize the parents for awhile, consciously emulating them, because they have no concept for selective modelling. Modelling is the only path to understanding the world. Around age 10, the child begins to see other models, and forms an idenity very much their own, with eclectic elements of modelling woven together. The ego boundary is solid and permanent, now, though poorly understood, even at that instinctive level. The child should now have a sense of privacy, even from parents.
That so few parents understand this well causes much needless conflict. Rather than taking advantage of the various features of normal human development, most parents (in the West) seek to hinder some things unavoidable, and ignore those places where their influence is still greatest. That is, if the parents pay much attention at all. So it's no surprise most people are poorly prepared to deal intelligently with ego boundaries. We blindly stumble through romance, which is our one best change to safely breach the ego boundaries.
I've written elsewhere of cathexis and its perils. That's the juvenile sort of falling in love -- an apt turn of phrase, since so many stumble into it aimlessly. That sudden sweep of euphoria is called cathexis, which is clinically described as an involuntary collapse of the ego boundaries. Rather than carefully cultivating a safe merging of ego bundaries, the whole thing fades from notice and virtually anything can come in and out of person's life. They will put up with almost anything they might normally fight over, because their identity, their awareness of self, is temporarily suspended. When the ego boundaries reassert themselves, there is usually a messy situation to clean up.
Just as our relations with God is a breach of the ego boundaries, so is romance. When done right, with Jehovah as Ruler and Guide over the process, the result is still euphoric in the long run, but without the complete loss of self-control, nor the resulting horror of finding yourself bound to someone you cannot bear. This communion in romance is a gift from God, meant to portray for us a little of the communion we can have with Him. If we abuse the romance gift, we can hardly expect it to be anything less than a disaster. We end up with ego boundaries which don't overlap those of our beloved nearly so completely as they could and should. Much of the torment from romantic pursuits can be avoided.
One critical key to this is noting the built-in divergence between male and female personality. What makes us so deeply attracted to the opposite sex is also what makes them so difficult to understand. There are broad generalities we can state.
A man will say, "This is wrong." It is for him a cold statement of fact. It has nothing to do with the quality of fellowship, and even a failure to fix things won't change the fellowship. He'll just deal with it. However, when he says that, a woman hears, "You are stupid." To her, the relationship has failed. Guys will continue to hang out with friends possessed of major flaws, provided there is a pattern of predicable behavior for which allowances can be made. Betrayal of a friendship is a matter of doing the wrong thing, going too far, not a matter of how one feels -- men assume feelings will come and go. A successful relationship is staying inside the lines, obeying the rules. These rules are often intuited, but discussed when necessary.
A woman says, "This isn't working." She means they need to break off the relationship, and her choice of words indicates she would prefer a friendly parting of the ways. The man hears, "You need to do something differently." He then proceeds to ask what procedures are wrong, and what would be better. Women will forgive major behavioral disasters if there is a proper attempt to repair the feelings. Bitter hatred is just a continuation of the relationship with a different flavor. Betrayal of friendship means no longer caring. Dismissing her feelings is a mortal blow. A successful relationship is all about the warm glow of emotional support, and enhanced by expressive demonstrations of that support. Rules are fluid, and meaningless if they don't touch the heart.
Under the foolish sway of cathexis, each can mask these essential differences. It's not that men can't be sensitive, nor women logical, but that we tend to fall into habits from our own gender crowd. We come home and carry all habit into a place it doesn't fit. Your beloved deserves much better, as the one person closest to you next to God Almighty. If that is not where you hold them, you have no right to bind them in marriage.
The merging of ego boundaries must take place with prayer, careful consideration, and deliberation. It rightly takes place in stages. This is not to say God cannot work otherwise. In rare occasions -- emphasize rare -- a Believer may need to make a precipitous decision. As with all things departing from the norm, the Spirit will make it obvious, regardless of emotions. Meanwhile, we plan to work slowly with God building a great and mighty tower of romantic love, one stone at a time.
I state in my Christian Dating Guide you should never marry a stranger, but a friend. That is, avoid engaging in romance with someone who was not first a good friend and fellow servant of God. For most people, that would mean not dating at all, since they can't imagine the sort of lifestyle which avoids dating as a way to meet people you don't already know well. Get used to it. You can't afford to defraud yourself, your God, and the other person by taking the high-risk path of dating strangers.
It's best to find your romantic partner in the process of doing what matters most to you. Simply adding an activity to meet gals/guys is as risky as dating strangers. Do what you normally do in obedience to God; He'll do the rest. If you can't trust Him with your love-life, you don't trust Him enough. If you aren't prepared to face an extended period of loneliness on His account, He's not yet Lord of your life. Hormones are not a signal from God to take action; they just make Godly action more pleasant. Emotions were not granted for decision-making, but as icing on the cake to celebrate. Set your heart on serving Him and He will show you good options in romance.
I don't subscribe to the notion there is necessarily one person in all Creation for whom God made you. That may be somewhat true within a given situation, but I believe for most of His servants, that person's identity may change if you miss the opportunity of the day for any number of reasons. Believe what you like about that; the point remains God is in charge, and it's more about you being the right person, rather than finding the right person.
There are two bases upon which you and your beloved become welded. There is the obvious basis of shared calling. You are both serving God in the same sort of work, and there's a clear and distinct advantage to serving that way in unison. The other is on the basis of being called together, rather than called to a specific work. Most frequently, this latter is seen when a woman decides her life's calling is to serve in whatever manner is reasonable alongside her man. She's not too concerned what the work will be; her vision is bracing the man to whom God has bound her soul. That there is any difference at may be more a matter of what one sees in the situation.
It is entirely possible the union is founded with little or no significant emotion. It's not necessary to be madly in love. It may be a simple matter of the union making more sense than the alternatives in pursuit of pleasing God. Throughout the vast record of human experience, it is well known the deep and passionate romance will most certainly follow sooner or later. Only in recent human history have marriages been a matter of the partners' making their own match. If you trust mere hormonal reaction to a subjective appraisal of another's appearance as the basis for a life-long commitment, I have to question your sanity. Frankly, you should allow those closest to you help decide if a candidate is suitable for permanence. The Principle of Propinquity, or "nearness of time and space," says you will naturally come to love and care deeply for those with whom you spend the most time.
The number of people turning from dating and back to the more ancient and honored courtship is still small, but growing in the Church. Where it has been tried, it has a far higher success rate than any other path.
Seeing romance as the process of merging two sets of ego boundaries leads us to consider what's involved. The probability is negligible for any two adults fitting together neatly upon first meeting. Merely comparing notes is time consuming by itself. Thus, the advice against romance with relative strangers. We are naturally hesitant to let it all hang out with folks for whom we've established no trust. The human reflex to disguise the ego boundaries is powerful.
Going from birth to adulthood is more than merely surviving. Serving Christ assumes you will take up a useful place in society as the minimum necessity for sharing His Word. Along the path we pass through reference points referred to as "developmental tasks." The list of tasks vary in content and length depending on the particular school of psychology you favor. Also, they vary between cultures. The point at which you are truly ready for romance, the place where you are the perfect candidate, will never arrive. However, some things are obvious. You must be able to communicate in the common language of your pool of applicants. You must observe a certain minimum of civility, or no one will want to be near you much. In one way or another, you probably should be contributing something to the common welfare.
All of this requires you work from some conscious plan, a framework of reference for responding to the world around you. A popular nickname for this frame of reference is your "roadmap." The most important thing about this roadmap is the ability to adjust it. This is all the more true in your early years. We can carry this metaphor too far, but consider this much: Some people draw too much in ink before they've traveled this life enough, and not enough in pencil. Do this too much and you'll end up having to throw it all away, or be forever trying to remake reality over to fit your map. We call that neurosis, or even psychosis. Naturally, some parts must be in ink, or you'll never have any reference points at all. We call these "moral absolutes," and God makes some of them unmistakable. Much beyond that we rightly leave open to change.
Romance in this metaphor is like comparing maps with your beloved. Eventually you'll have to have substantially the same map, or we can't call it marriage. Two lives become one. There has to be some give and take in the comparison of maps. You can make the process reasonable and open, or painful with petty bickering over every detail. So, do you love your personal map more than your future spouse? You're not ready; take another lap around Mt. Sinai. A few more rebellious pieces of you have to die in the Wilderness of Sin. While your beloved suffers directly, it is God you do not trust.
Consider a modern anomaly. Most of us assume a proper match means two people of similar age. That's actually artificial, and rather recent in history. Until this past century, the man being ten or twenty years older was quite common. In part, it wasn't too hard because the cultural shift between generations was rather slight. People in previous centuries didn't spend a full decade developing their habits in the company of a narrow age group. Now the shift appears to be quite large. These days, an honest love match between an older man and a younger woman, anything more than five years difference, is quite rare. When it does happen, it naturally changes the balance of adjustment from the average. Anyone actually using their brain over the years will be more likely to have made some good changes to their maps, and more will be drawn in ink. We call it "wisdom" when someone has a pretty solid grasp on reality. Assuming our older fellow has been faithful to God, he has earned the right to keep more of his map intact than the younger wife. Indeed, it's just human nature -- the burden of adjustment falls heaviest on her. On the other hand, the burden of being graceful about it falls heaviest on him.
Those who wisely set out to discover their beloved's ego boundaries, who intentionally identify and measure what needs adjustment, are blessed indeed. The focus is not on building a meaningful relationship, nor emotional fulfillment, nor building a family, or any of those other things. Those things will come in their time, but only if the focus is on serving God. Marriage is what marriage does: We do it because it is the best means to serving and glorifying Him.
By Ed Hurst
30 December 2005
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